Why blog?

I was asked this question recently.

Why would I want to put my life in the public eye and let every other person know what am I going through?

I said it doesn’t really matter to me if some arbitrary person reads the blog and decides that Saip is a sad son of a bitch. It doesn’t really matter. Honestly.

But then what about those who know you or are getting to know you? The process of knowing a person is supposed to be mysterious or something similar to that. I forgot the exact words used here. But the idea is that we get to know a person a little at a time. If they met me once and go read my blog the next day, they would know a lot and form some opinion of me and that relationship might go for a toss.

Is it that bad if it happens? If someone reads my blog and decides that Saip is a scary son of a bitch and doesn’t want to be friends with me, it is better for both of us. That person knew about it right away and I need not put in all the energy for a doomed relationship. If relationships and their mysterious workings is the core of your argument, then I am doing a service by making it easier for that person to make a decision and I am giving more information to come up with a meaningful decision. Thank me! BOCTAOE.

There are many other reasons I blog. I feel like expressing myself and this is a very good medium. I can use it as a sounding board and all that jazz. I am not afraid of embarrassing myself. I might write the most stupid stuff or forward really illogical arguments. Like the one above! These are not reasons per se but some factors which make it easier to blog. I tried searching for the real reason but I couldn’t come up with any sound logical reason, some reason which actually means something to me.

Why do you blog or read someone’s blog?

Do you feel like a voyeur when you do it (if you are reading a personal journal and the likes)?

Let's talk!

Joke :)

Suicide bomb blast: 1 dead.
How tragic!!

Arbit v 0.0

You live today to die another day.
You die today to live another day.

Your pick?

By the Numbers

You are just a number.

Roll no 13. Present sir!

Roll no 2. Yes Ma’am

311. Local call

ae99301

10013388

9864314543

36-24-36

You are a fucking number.

Classes change, Places change. Numbers change. But you are still a number. People are still the same. You are still lost. Lost in the millions, trying to find your identity. Your uniqueness. By another number. You try to get the best phone number, the best car number. A number to differentiate you.

A number.

What’s your lucky number?

Local

Here is my mandatory piece on Mumbai Locals. Any blogger worth the space he blogs on would have written something on it. I am just continuing the tradition.

Mumbai locals are a universe unto themselves. They would form the perfect backdrop for a scary short story by Stephen King, something on the lines of The Trucks or Christine. The trains take on a totally different look when they are desolate. When you are returning late in the night after paying homage to Bacchus, traveling in a local can be totally awesome experience. Sitting by the window letting the air punch you in your face. The handles swaying in perfect rhythm; almost dancing to the beats made by the train as it curves out gently. The very handles which are tugged at by ugly hands, the handles that are desperately held onto by the weak ones, those handles are dancing as they get respite from all the sweat and grime for a few hours. It is almost hypnotic watching them sway. You close your eyes and can see an image of hundreds of people fighting for every square inch and pulling and getting pulled in all directions. You open your eyes and see the swaying handles and calmness in that movement. You close your ears and you can hear the stupid, angry, ego boosting fights. You open them and all you hear is the wind blowing and the train going chuk chuk chuk. It is an experience to be had. Especially if you are drunk!

Let Kurla come. This was our favorite expression in the early days. It is at Kurla that most of the people get down and we get a chance to get a seat. The chances slowly became zero obeying the law of averages. But the expression survived. It is almost mystical looking at the crowd as Kurla station approaches. Most of the people board the train from the right side of the compartment. The Kurla platform is on the right side. Most of the people who board the train beyond Vashi have their backs towards the Kurla platform. You got to visualize this. This mass of people starts slowly turning on their heels. There is no space for maneuver. But slowly and steadily they are changing their direction. Seeing them reminded me of the magnetic dipoles which get aligned in presence of a larger force. Kurla is that force which beckons everyone turns everyone towards itself. The slow movement combined with the mad rush to get outside is an amazing thing to be seen standing at the sides of the train.

My favorite stretch on the local is between Mankhurd and Vashi. Eight minutes long stretch cutting above the sea. It looks beautiful in the evening during sunset. I also like the stretch between Juinagar and Nerul. Lush greenery on either sides of the track; the waterfalls on the hills to your left; the strong wind refreshing you after a long journey. The best part is that I get down at Nerul and go home. Home.

What is your favorite stretch on the Mumbai Local?

Wazzup!!

That word is one of the most frequently occuring one in my life. On orkut, on google talk, on sms, people want to know whats up!! And I do the same to them and it is getting pretty boring. So what I would like to know is have you done anything different in the last one week? Different enough to be worth telling others. If so, please tell me. This is much more pointed and focussed enquiry rather than a very general wazzup!! Yes..the two exclamation marks are mandatory.

There is a new disease spreading in offices nowadays. I am its latest victim. Symptoms were spotted a week ago and now it is a full blown affliction. It causes temporary insanity due to low utilisation of grey matter in the work place leading to bouts of hallucinations and long yawns. Now the post makes some sense to you.

Whatsay!!

Change

You are totally pissed off with the current state of affairs. You want to change it. You wish you could talk to that person who is responsible for all this.
Now imagine there is a time machine. You have one chance to go in the past and bring that person, who shaped our today, to the present day and show him the current situation. Then you can send him back to the past so that he can correct the mistakes he did. What situation would that be and who would be that person?

India: A Soft State?

This is not a researched article but represents what I believe are facts and drew my conclusions based on those facts.

Many people I knew have expressed disgust at India for being a soft target and at its inability to take strong action. This is in response to those kinds of statements.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a lot of anger in Bombay after the bomb blasts. People wanted answers to long pending questions. People wanted strong action from the government and not empty words. There was a lot of talk about India being a soft target, a weak state. We always capitulate to their demands. India is incapable of protecting its citizens in its own country. That is very deplorable. I am in total agreement to that feeling.

Israel attacked Lebanon because Hezbollah committed an act of terrorism on their soil. Everyone was full of praise for Israel at the way it responded to Hezbollah. All they see is that such a small state surrounded by enemies had the balls to go attack the enemy. Why can’t India do the same? This is at the top of everyone’s mind and they want India to go attack Pakistan. This is where I beg to differ.

We just cannot go ahead and attack Pakistan. Israel can do it because it has the backing of the US. Every nation in the world except US is asking Israel to back down. You cannot go on killing civilians in the name of counter terrorism. US is supporting Israel and asking Hezbollah to back down. Israel has the strongest nation on the Earth to back them up. The enemies that surround Israel are non-nuclear. This is a very important point. If we go into the history of Israel and Jews, we can find more answers to this kind of behavior of Israel and it will be totally justifiable. Entebbe, Munich and many more bear testimony to this mind set of Israel. Israel is lucky to be in a position to the things it is doing. Imagine that US did not favor Israel and instead supported Syria and gave ammunition and other kind of support. Would Israel pull off this kind of stunt? I do not think so.

Let us look at the India-Pakistan equation. We do not have any proof that Pakistan had a major hand in this attack. We are not the US of A to go attacking any nation. US had the luxury of the war not being on their soil. They went all the way to Europe, Vietnam, Kuwait, Afghanistan and Iraq to wage a war. It was never on their soil. Their country was safe during the war. What about India? If India attacked Pak, the whole of India is exposed. Should India do that because terrorists attacked us for the umpteenth time? Is that an ideal response? Look at the risk vs. return in this scenario.

India will not take any military action now because it does not want to piss off US. This is in context to the historical (?) nuclear deal that might materialize.

Pak has nuclear weapons. During the kargil war, Musharraf came very close to nuke India. Remember that it was a war fought on Indian soil to stop terrorists. Officially Pakistan was not involved. In such a scenario this guy, who was not the president then, almost nuked us. Do you think that he would sit quietly if India attacks Pakistan on the pretext of killing the terrorists? Just think about it.

It is very easy for us to comment on the situation without knowing the big picture. The politicians sitting there are complete idiots and bastards of the first order. But blaming the government for everything is not good. It hurts to hear Indians talk lowly about their own country. It doesn’t take much to start a war. If someone like you, who admires Israel’s spunk, is at the helm of things might start a war. In the process, you are endangering the entire Indian population.

Something needs to be done. There should be some other way to defeat this menace. If we all come together and think about, a good solution will emerge. Bloodshed will be there and it has to happen. How do we do it without endangering the whole of India will be the challenge?

Kam - Akal Engineering

The unthinkable has happened! I am on my way to become a chemical engineer. Those were the good old days at IIT when we used to look down upon the chemical engineers. They had the easiest life and the returns were more than they deserved. (They always had the best babe collection. You must have heard the horror stories about girls and the lack of their number/quality at IITM. Things went very bad in between. A girl was spotted in the metallurgical department and the entire building was out there to see who this new species was roaming in their area. They never had a female student ever before!) The story that used to go around was that the first year at IIT was toughest for chemical engineers. On the other hand, for us electrical boys, the first year was heaven before we were dispatched to the depths of hell. It was very normal to look down upon these guys and very natural too. They had the easiest professors any one can dream of. There was one guy who used to repeat the same question paper year after year. One of the students complained to the professor about this and he agreed to change the paper. To his credit, he did change the question paper but only the order of the questions!!! Another professor tells his students that he will give them a C grade if they don’t attend classes and skip the exam. If they want any better grade than that, they would have to attend the classes. At ESB, you are expected to slog it out and become as smart as Einstein to get a C grade. Well, now you know why we didn’t like the chemical chaps at IITM. For the very dumb ones reading this, I am an electrical engineer. Of course! And ESB is electrical sciences block.

Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. Don’t rack your brains too hard. I am quoting Morpheus. I chose Reliance Industries as my preferred employer and joined the M&A division. Given the nature of my job, I need to dabble a lot in chemical engineering and equations. I was doing stoichiometry the other day so that I can develop the business plan of a target company. Now I am attending training sessions on chemical products, markets and technologies. I can throw words like tubular and autoclave reactors, propane dehydrogenation and oligomerisation and the likes. My favorite molecule is 2,4 dimethyl p-hydroxy iso-butenic acid!! How fortunes change!

Training is good fun. Firstly, you don’t get to do any work for three days. You get free food and the centre is pretty close to where I stay. You need to be in Bombay to realize the importance of this great benefit. The added benefit is that I get to hear some very good stories. Once upon a time, there was this chap called Dr. Dubbs who sent his son to MIT to become a chemical engineer. The son was named Carbon Dubbs. Looks his like his dad lost few atoms somewhere. The son was a crackpot, at least that’s what I feel. He added Petroleum as his middle name. The dude is formally called Carbon Petroleum Dubbs. Dr. C.P. Dubbs! He wedded some pretty female and called their first daughter, Methyl. Guess what he called the second one: Ethyl, of course. Thank God there was no Propyl.

Chemistry is much more crazier than I thought it was. Now who in the right mind would convert ethanol to ethylene!! For those who are bulbing big time, ethanol is the booze that I am guzzling down as I write this and you definitely don’t want to know about ethylene. Over the next few days I will become an expert at chemicals and their markets and their technologies.

But you should just sit back and think for a while how modern chemistry has improved our lives so much. There is so much around you that is composed of these chemical products. There is a 90% chance that the shirt you are wearing is made of polyester from Reliance; the computer/laptop you are using is encased in polymers manufactured by Reliance. Chemicals have truly enriched our lives. Well, at least that’s what I want to believe as long as I working for this industry. Don’t you dare disagree with me. Else I will give you a session on how Middle East guys are screwing around with the world economy because of the huge amounts of oil and gas they control. Or I will keep it simple and rotomold you!

Guahahaha.

On Movies

Movies were an important part of my life. I started watching movies when I was very young. Most of them were English movies. Even though I didn’t understand anything that was happening on the screen, I used to watch them. This was much before I discovered the female form and pleasures arising out of watching them. So you can wipe out that “obviously!” look on your face. I was very young. I don’t even remember how small I was then. But I remember the movies very clearly. The man with the golden gun and the Mackenna’s Gold are my oldest memories. It was mostly action movies that we used to watch. When I was in sixth standard, there were three of us who used to go the movies. My parents allowed me to go to movies on my own even back then. Three of us saw loads of movies together. The Five man army and the Abyss were some of the good memories. The highest ticket back then was 5 bucks and what a fun it was.

Then came that period when boys become more curious with the thing down under and its various uses, the time when biology suddenly becomes more interesting and the girl, whose hair you used to pull and run around so gaily, becomes something totally different. That was the time when English movies became something else completely. That was the time when I understood about those movies played at 1130 in the morning in a small shady theater. The small posters for those movies were covered by even smaller posters at the right places telling us which theatre to come to see the whole picture. Those were exciting times. But it wasn’t that easy to watch these movies. What if you are caught!!

I was in the 9th standard when The Specialist was released. Most of my friends were talking about the movie and the famous “scene”. I wanted to watch it desperately. But I was afraid. I used to think that once I become big, I can watch anything I want and no one could stop me. That was the only solace I had. I never got to see that movie in the theatre. Things changed after that. Not in terms of the movies and stuff like that but I got pulled into the rat race. There were too many exams in my life all of a sudden. The tenth board exams, then college, JEE etc. I will write more on my “education” at the hallowed portals later.

I love movies which has inspirational speeches. One of the first ones which made a huge impression was the president’s speech in The Independence Day. It was too good and after that I became a major fan of the American president. Then, unfortunately, Bush came on the scene. One of my favorite movie characters took a major beating. I cannot remember any movie with a president as a main character after this joker became the president. A huge loss to Hollywood. Have you ever observed these speeches in the movie? The president motivating his nation, the stupid guy declaring his love for her at the beginning of the baseball game, the teacher inspiring his students to rebel or the stupid blonde asking for the country to change. Hollywood has perfected the art of great speeches. I would love to hire one of these writers for my life. Imagine having someone like that next to you telling you all the right words to speak. That would be awesome! The music would start very lightly. Just one instrument to start with. As the speech picks up its tempo, so does the music. More instruments are added for extra effect. Then comes the climax of the speech where the character makes the final pitch. Crescendo! The music rises to a fever pitch and you are totally caught up with the moment and start cheering with the rest of the extras in the movie.

How I love English movies!

No harm in romanticizing life..what say thou?

There is glory in chasing doomed dreams. There is valour in pursuing dreams destined to decay and die. There is manliness in tilting at windmills, even if some might label the act tragicomic rather than heroic.

It's a bit like wooing a beautiful, unattainable woman. For all the flirting and the occasional positive signals, you know from the beginning that there is never going to be a happily-ever-after, that your proposal will never be accepted.

Yet, the thrill is in the unending pursuit, no matter the soul-numbing inevitability of the ending. The journey itself is the destination.

--Nirmal Shekar

Nirmal wrote this in an article about a person. Identify that person. Do not google. It is more fun trying to guess it. It is very very workable.

Paranoid

It was pretty late in the night when I left office yesterday. I was sitting in the first class local and it was a little empty. I was very tempted to see under the seat but somehow managed not to do it. It was weirdly unsettling knowing that I might be sitting on a bomb!Two guys walked in and put their baggage on the carrier. After some time, they stood up and walked away from their seats. I was wondering that who in the right mind would give up a seat and stand in the crowd. That too at Kurla!! Then I saw that they left the bag on the carrier..Woah..that was a shock. I looked around and they were still standing there. So that gave me some confidence. Cannot do much if they were suicide bombers ;) You can imagine the paranoia the city is going through. Since I wrote this post, it means that yours truly is still in one big piece. Something to worry about, huh!

The journey this morning was peaceful. It was more crowded than yesterday. Means that everything has truly become normal. As I said, the ride was peaceful. Got only 3 elbow jabs, one stinking armpit and some realy wavy hair trying to enter my nose. Good, I say. The obvious things did happen. My shirt was pulled out, my body bent into some weird shape and my boots trampled all over.

Just came out a meeting where my KRAs were being decided. I am staring at a lot of routine work. Looks like RG will make a comeback the company.

Thats it for today folks. Will live another day to write some more.

Adios

Bombay Blasts

Arpit and I were at the Mondegar pub when the blasts took place. People all around us were shocked to see the news. But the beer didnt stop flowing. Everyone was drinking merrily and ordering for more. We did the same too. The event was very disturbing and I feel sad for all those families who lost their dear ones. It was almost mind numbing seeing those images. But I didnt feel anything beyond it. I did not feel guilty drinking beer or listening to music while we were travelling back. Does that make me less human?

Everything is back to normal in my life but something has changed. I was very quiet the whole of last night and even now I feel something is not correct. This lack of emotions is very scary.The office is the same today. People busy staring at their screens and worrying how to sell the next ton of polypropylene. Didnt any get affected by these blasts or is it too common for them to be perturbed about it. Media calls this as the Spirit of Mumbai. Really? People need to get on with their lives as they got mouths to feed. They cannot stop their daily routine because someone else got killed. More than spirit, I see necessity.

It is also very heartening to see people come out of their homes and help the stranded. Though this became a problem later, the gesture was genuine.

Sharad Pawar made an impact when he requested all the top officials not to come here and make the situation more worse than it already is. Some sensible guy he is. Unlike Advani. he mouthed the usual condemnations against the blasts and the perpetrators. In the same breath, he accused the government for being too soft on terrorists. Cant these politicians rise above these petty political dramas and for once, put people first? Cant we expect even that much from these low creatures? The Maharastra assembly was adjourned because off the ruckus that the opposition created. Waste of our money again. Cant these guys come together in times of need to stand united and try and solve the issue rather than fighting amongst themselves? When a police official was questioned about the blasts, the first thing he did was shift the blame to the railway police. Disgusting.

On one side we see people,people who struggle everyday, come forward and display their greatness by helping the needy. On the other side, we see the system playing the blame game and mouthing standard press releases.

Not everyone is like this, of course. My respect for the Mumbai traffic policemen has gone up by a few notches. The way they handled the rains last week and the traffic yesterday was commendable.

It was just plain luck that I survived yesterday. It could have been anyone. It has not yet sunk in but this will definitely change my perspective and how I lead my life. Waiting for the realization to dawn on me someday soon.

If we dont meet again, hope we were well met.

Diary of a Deranged Drunkard

In terms of academic pursuit, the last two years were some of the meaningless ones. Including the four years at Chennai. Then, I had no clue what I wanted to do in life. I just went with the flow. Ended up at iit. What after that? I wasn’t good enough to pursue further education in that field. This turned out to be for the good. I wasn’t good at engineering and I never was. I am digressing from the point. The point is that these labels helped me in life. In getting jobs and furthering our ambitions. I might do an MBA again in some foreign country. This job might help me get there. Am I in search of another label yet again? These six years at academic institutions have definitely changed me. The way I think to the way I feel about myself. They did immensely contribute to who I am right now. But in terms of academic knowledge, I don’t think I did justice to these two places or vice versa. Do these institutes really help India’s cause? I do not think so.

Why do I get bored with things so fast? I was bored with MBA by the time I was finishing second term. I had to pursue something else to make myself feel alive. I am already bored at my job. I am bored with relationships very soon. Hence I don’t commit to anything. But this job makes me feel different. I expect a lot from everything. But things never happen the way you want to, do they? Therein lies the trick. I realized quite a long time ago that expectations screw up a lot of things. I would truly like to follow Calvin’s philosophy. Keep the expectations to a minimum and one will be happy. There is a lot of drudgery and routine work that one has to go through before achieving what one really wants. We have to live with that. Can you?

My mind is as restless as a monkey. Everyday and every instant there are so many thoughts in my head that I go restless and crazy. Even in my sleep, I am conjuring up scenarios and live in then. I wake up with a start and realize that I am not supposed to be awake at this ungodly hour and fall asleep again. I am standing in the local and my mind wanders some where. I let it go because there is nothing else to do. But I need to still this monkey mind. I need to harness it for more constructive purposes rather than just living out my fantasies. There are only so many girls I can screw and only a few roles I can play to perfection. I need to channel this incredible power and come up with something really really good.

What else?

I am really a bad person when it comes to one-on-one conversations. I just don’t know what to say. I thought that my job will be a decent piece of topic amongst friends. I am screwed there also. My work is fucking confidential. There are so many good stories that I keep hearing but I can’t tell anyone. I had my first casualty in Bombay. I feel really stupid at this. I need to develop this ability to make conversations about inane topics. Does it interest any girl if I talk about philosophy or quantum physics or how Turing was wronged in his life or how Feynman is one of the funniest guys on earth? What is that the female species needs from me?

I am good but not good enough. I remember this line very clearly. It happened in my 3rd term where I broke down in a party. I cried a lot and kept repeating this line.I am good but not good enough. Fond memories!But now I am ok with being just good. I am ok. Not happy. But ok. It suits me. Life might not be more happier but it is definitely less sadder. This state is gonna last as long as it can.

We will see.

Family Bar!!

There is some about Bombay and the word Family. A first for me in Bombay is the concept of bar and family restaurant. Do they expect families to come to a place where people of all sorts come and get drunk and might do things of all sorts. A great dad might take his kids out there and say,' one virrrrgin mareee for my kid and sex on the beach for the girl. make it quickie, please." That would be a great family outing!

Another first for me happened yesterday. A bus just for women! How bad are things for women in bombay?Funny sight of the day: Next to our apartment, i saw this sign. Please keep your condom clean and green. We are like," whathefuck!" then we saw the full sign, part of it was hidden by the coconut tree. Please keep your condominium clean and green.

Bombay Rocks! But not more than my new home. heard that globu was jealous...guahahahha ..thats a great feeling to have my friend. a great feeling.

The Trial

At some point in life, every individual has to face his enemy, his worst fears, and his nemesis: Himself. In the solitary hollow of conscience, he is the victim, the judge, the jury and the executioner. He is always the victim. There is no escape from this ordeal. Some of the most basic questions in life have the enormous power to drain life out of you. They make you feel as lost as a nymphomaniac in the Vatican. Who am I? What do I want? WHY do I want those wants? There are very few people who have answers to these questions. Most of us believe we have the answers. But they are temporary writings on the beach to satisfy us. The sands of time will erase them and you are in that place again. We rationalize our fears so that we can maintain some balance and lead a simple life. Those who dare to look into this dark, terrifying, and uncharted tunnel either go insane or become the greatest this world has ever seen. Is it light at the end of the tunnel or just a freight train coming your way? Are you ready? Do you have the courage to question and yet get no answers? Are you prepared to embrace life and embark on this new adventure? It is not how you live your life; it is what you believe that defines YOU

I, Undefined

I am your life. I am your breath.
I am the hand that will rock you to death.

I am the sun. I am the moon.
I am the bane behind every boon.

I am your enemy. I am your friend.
I am the one who screws you in the end.

I make you laugh. I make you cry.
I give you pain along with joy.

I am the question. I am the answer.
I am the judge, the jury, and the executioner.

I am your truth. I am your lies.
I make you see. Close your eyes.

I am the evil. I am the good.
I am the slow poison in your food.

I kill. I rape. I plunder.
Bow before me and surrender.

You are my face. You are my mask.
You are the puppet. You do what I ask.

I am the saint. I am the sinner.
I am the alpha. I am the omega.
I am the creator. I am the destroyer.
I am your god. I am your master.

I am YOU.

*Inspired by Metallica's Sad But True

Trapped

The birth and the death
The existence in between
Or
The life in between

The induction and the convocation
The farce in between
Or
The knowledge in between

The marriage and the divorce
The misery in between
Or
The joy in between

The prologue and the epilogue
The gibberish in between
Or
The magic in between

The intro and the outro
The noise in between
Or
The music in between

The asleep and the awake
The nightmares in between
Or
The dreams in between

Suffocated,
Trapped in between.
Waiting for the release,
Have to find it within.

La Chanson D'adieu

As you wish, it shall be
You will be hearing less from me
Nice to know that you are happy
As you wish, it shall be

You have a path, something of your own
Doesn’t matter if the destination is unknown
Thought I will be your friend in this journey
If you don’t want it, as you wish, it shall be

Don’t know where this path will lead
Nothing will get hurt and nothing will bleed
But everything is over between you and me
You wanted it to end, as you wish, it shall be

Many a thing I did, stupid and foolish
Sacrificed a lot, without being selfish
Learnt my lesson and a little more
Goodbye forever and ...not any more

As you wish, it shall be

The Secret of Dhanolty

I woke up.

I was sweating profusely as if I was running very hard. My feet were dirty and my legs were scratched. I was bleeding in places.

I look to my left and the bed is empty.
“Where the hell is she?”
I go to the next room to check up on my friends. There is no one in there.
“Where the hell is anyone?”
There was something odd about the entire setting and I couldn’t place my finger on it. As I was walking down the stairs, it hit me. The Silence. The silence was so loud that it was unbearable. I ran down the stairs to the reception desk. There was no one there. I look out and see my car parked at the entrance. All the doors were open. The engine was still warm. No keys were to be found.

There was no one in sight. It was full moon and the entire road and the pine trees were bathed in moonlight.
There was a faint light deep in the trees. I could hear some vague voices coming from that direction. I was drawn involuntarily to that light. When I got close enough, what I saw took my breath away. There were more than 30 people standing in a circle. They were covered from head to toe in black robes. Their faces were covered with masks. In the center was a huge fire. Something was being lowered from the top onto the fire. It was she. She was being lowered into the fire. Shocked, I moved backwards and stepped on a twig. The noise was loud enough and they looked at me. I started to run. I was barefoot and running was very tough. I stepped on some acorns and my feet started bleeding. The bushes scratched against my legs. They were gaining on me. And then I heard the shriek. It was totally out of this world. I never heard anything like that before. And then came the smell of burning flesh. The thought of saving her never crossed my mind. I was still running. I saw a small cottage to my left and I ran into it and bolted the door. I was gasping. I sat in the corner, waiting for the inevitable.

Thump! Thump! Thump!
They were knocking at the door. Slowly. Very slowly. They weren’t in a hurry at all.
Thump! Thump! Thump!

It stopped as abruptly as it began. I waited for some time and then went to open the door. I open the door and see my car parked there. The doors were open and the engine was still warm. There were no keys. There is no one in sight. I turn towards the cottage and there was no cottage. Instead, I am standing in front of my hotel. Voices are filling up the air. I think I am going crazy. Sunshine! Blinding light and I can’t see anything. “Somebody save me. Please. Nooooooooooooooooooo ooo.”

Silence.
I woke up sweating profusely. It was just a dream. Thank God!
I look at my feet and they are bleeding. I don’t understand it. I look to my left and she isn’t there. I check up on my friends and they aren’t in the room either. I go down to the reception desk. It is empty. I look out and see my car parked at the entrance.

All the doors are open.

The best thing that happened to me at IIML

Controls.

Or as AB would put it, The Scheduling and Coordination Team!

It started with an innocent mail sent to me and was asked to report at the placement office. There were fourteen people and I was meeting some of them for the first time.

14 people. 60 days. 1 mission. That’s how I saw Controls. We went through everything. Broken backs. Broken Hearts. Hoarse Throats. Heads hung in shame. Night outs discussing strategy. Nightmares where you see green squares everywhere. It is one place where your strengths and weaknesses are laid threadbare. You would never believe that you have these capabilities.

It was one hell of a ride. My social life (albeit non-existent) went for a toss. The latter half of the day was spent in controls work. During the other half I was either sleeping or was in the classroom or both. I stopped spending good time with my other friends. Classes went for a toss. Never paid attention to the professor as I was fighting to stay awake. The threat of grade drops was looming large. I lost a lot of weight. Fell sick many times. But I would willingly go through it again. Because of the sense of accomplishment that you feel when the first offer comes. And when the process is over, that ineffable feeling. The best part of all this is that you are in the background. The backend! I am eagerly looking forward for the summer placements.

Some great memories. Doc and his chants. Arpit and his mouse. Nimbu and his rainbow chart. Dahiya and his outbursts. Kaushal and his pickups. Tandon and his reserve. AB and his chinky eyes. Pseude and his defences. Mukim and his quizzes. Mehraj and the old man’s wisdom. Prasi and ITC. KC, Gaadu aur who. Globu and his running skills. Logani and his logina. And Critical, of course!

Some great friends too. Some of them won’t be here for summers. I will miss them for sure.

A boyband song

Hey Folks,
This is my first boyband-ish song. Enjoy madi!!

Oh baby, every time I look at your face
I see the love that you have for me
But baby, why don’t you say it so
You know how much it hurts me oh oh oh

So baby why don’t you come out of your shell
I will take you away from this living hell
We will go to a place we can call our own
And it will be the heaven, I know!

I remember the first time I saw you
The grass was so green and the sky was so blue
It was then I knew it has to be you
Oh baby, my love for you is so pure and true

So baby why don’t you come out of your shell
I will take you away from this living hell
We will go to a place we can call our own
And it will be the heaven, I know!

I am still waiting for that time
The day when you will become mine
Darling do you want to wait that long
For the love you can have all along

So baby why don’t you come out of your shell
I will take you away from this living hell
We will go to a place we can call our own
And it will be the heaven, I know!

Suicide Solution

Walking down the street, all alone
With my head bowed down
With dragging feet and slumped shoulders
Hoping to be swallowed by the darkness

I wanna fucking die
So that I can stop living this lie
I wanna fucking die
Let me say my final goodbye

Walking into my empty home
Sick and tired of staying alone
I used to cry
So that I can feel alive

But now
I wanna fucking die
So that I can stop living this lie
I wanna fucking die
Let me say my final goodbye

There is no meaning to a life
Filled with struggle and strife
What you want, you sacrifice
Just to feel good and nice
But did you ever think twice
Your actions and their price

SoI wanna fucking die
So that I can stop living this lie
I wanna fucking die
Let me say my final goodbye

Thank God. It's over.

The Flower

It was a beautiful evening. The sky had a reddish hue as if it is angry at the sun for leaving it again. There was a gentle breeze and the air was filled with the fragrance of flowers. There was a small garden on the wayside. It had flowers of different colors, different sizes and different smells. Some of them were really pretty and many butterflies visit them for their nectar. In this garden, there is one flower in a corner. Ugly and uncared for, this flower just existed. Not lived, just existed. No butterfly ever came to it though he had the sweetest nectar to offer. All the butterflies went to the pretty flowers attracted by their myriad colors. One fine day, he saw this butterfly flying towards him. She is one of the most beautiful creatures he has ever seen. When he saw the sunlight playing on the tips of her wings, he thanked whatever powers maybe for being able to see the spectacle. Seeing her was worth all the pain and drab existence. She came and landed on him and sucked the nectar. He was so happy that he found someone he can offer his nectar. The ugly flower was transformed by the sheer brilliance and beauty of this butterfly. He was never as happy as he was today. He would never be as happy again. And then, she went away. Just like that. The foolish flower thought she will come again. He started making more nectar for her: The sweetest nectar possible hoping she will return. The entire plant was just making more and more nectar neglecting itself. It wasn’t taking care of itself. He was still hoping that she would come again. But she moved on to the pretty flowers. Everyday he sees the butterfly from the distance and craves for her knowing that she will never come to him again.


What can this flower do? All it has is nectar to offer. He stored so much nectar that it started overflowing. It was as if the plant was crying in the night when no one can see him. After many days, the plant made so much nectar that the flower became really heavy. It couldn’t bear the weight of the nectar. It didn’t have the strength to carry on. The flower fell off from the plant. It was lying in the dust and the nectar was flowing into the ground. As if it is bleeding. He could see the butterfly jumping playfully from one flower to another. She was much more beautiful than before. She was coming towards him because she couldn’t find nectar that tasted like his. But it was too late. The flower was broken and the nectar is in the dust. He just didn’t have anything to offer her. While concentrating his energies on making the nectar, the plant totally neglected himself. He was rotting from inside. He was dying from inside. Couple of days later, he saw the gardener coming towards him. There was a sickle in his hand. He knew his time has come. He was happy that he is being put out of his misery. As the sickle was cutting through him, he was thinking of the butterfly. Thinking of how he would do the same thing again and again, without any regrets, if he was given a chance. But little did he know that he was doomed from the very beginning.

The ugly flower he is.

I, a universe of atoms, an atom in the universe

Fell in love with this piece. courtesy my good old pal Anshul

"I stand at the seashore alone and start to think. There are rushing waves, mountains of molecules, each stupidly minding its own business, trillions apart yet forming white surf in unison. Ages on ages before any eyes could see, year after year thunderously pounding the shore as now. For whom for what on a dead planet with no life to entertain. Never at rest, tortured by energy; wasted prodigiously by the Sun, poured into space, its might makes the sea roar. Deep in the sea all molecules repeat the patterns of one another till complex new ones are found. They make others like themselves and a new dance starts. Growing in size and complexity, living things, masses of atoms, DNA, proteins dancing a pattern ever more intricate. Out of the cradle onto the dry land, here it is standing, atoms with consciousness, matter with curiosity, stands at the sea, wonders at wondering, I , a universe of atoms an atom in the universe."

RICHARD FEYNMAN

Philosophy or something like that

Pull the rabbit out of the hat.
Nestle deep down in the fur. Be comfortable.
Stand on the tip of the hair. Expose yourself.
Choose your well. Choose your ocean.
Remain a larva. Become a butterfly.
Choose chance. Choose choice.
Choose death. Choose life.
Question Everything. Everything.