Saturday, July 15, 2006

Diary of a Deranged Drunkard

In terms of academic pursuit, the last two years were some of the meaningless ones. Including the four years at Chennai. Then, I had no clue what I wanted to do in life. I just went with the flow. Ended up at iit. What after that? I wasn’t good enough to pursue further education in that field. This turned out to be for the good. I wasn’t good at engineering and I never was. I am digressing from the point. The point is that these labels helped me in life. In getting jobs and furthering our ambitions. I might do an MBA again in some foreign country. This job might help me get there. Am I in search of another label yet again? These six years at academic institutions have definitely changed me. The way I think to the way I feel about myself. They did immensely contribute to who I am right now. But in terms of academic knowledge, I don’t think I did justice to these two places or vice versa. Do these institutes really help India’s cause? I do not think so.

Why do I get bored with things so fast? I was bored with MBA by the time I was finishing second term. I had to pursue something else to make myself feel alive. I am already bored at my job. I am bored with relationships very soon. Hence I don’t commit to anything. But this job makes me feel different. I expect a lot from everything. But things never happen the way you want to, do they? Therein lies the trick. I realized quite a long time ago that expectations screw up a lot of things. I would truly like to follow Calvin’s philosophy. Keep the expectations to a minimum and one will be happy. There is a lot of drudgery and routine work that one has to go through before achieving what one really wants. We have to live with that. Can you?

My mind is as restless as a monkey. Everyday and every instant there are so many thoughts in my head that I go restless and crazy. Even in my sleep, I am conjuring up scenarios and live in then. I wake up with a start and realize that I am not supposed to be awake at this ungodly hour and fall asleep again. I am standing in the local and my mind wanders some where. I let it go because there is nothing else to do. But I need to still this monkey mind. I need to harness it for more constructive purposes rather than just living out my fantasies. There are only so many girls I can screw and only a few roles I can play to perfection. I need to channel this incredible power and come up with something really really good.

What else?

I am really a bad person when it comes to one-on-one conversations. I just don’t know what to say. I thought that my job will be a decent piece of topic amongst friends. I am screwed there also. My work is fucking confidential. There are so many good stories that I keep hearing but I can’t tell anyone. I had my first casualty in Bombay. I feel really stupid at this. I need to develop this ability to make conversations about inane topics. Does it interest any girl if I talk about philosophy or quantum physics or how Turing was wronged in his life or how Feynman is one of the funniest guys on earth? What is that the female species needs from me?

I am good but not good enough. I remember this line very clearly. It happened in my 3rd term where I broke down in a party. I cried a lot and kept repeating this line.I am good but not good enough. Fond memories!But now I am ok with being just good. I am ok. Not happy. But ok. It suits me. Life might not be more happier but it is definitely less sadder. This state is gonna last as long as it can.

We will see.


Blogger Sreekumar said...

"Why do I get bored with things so fast?"
I would like to know that too before I get bored with asking this question.

26/7/06 9:30 PM  

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