No Wimmen Plz.

I never thought that I would say something like this. I wouldn’t even have dreamt about it and my mind would resist the very thought of such a thought. There is a time and a place in my life when I don’t want any women near me, at least in a 6 feet radius around me. Yes, I don’t want women anywhere near me.

The time: Peak Hours. The place: Mumbai local.

Is duniya mein do tarah ke log hote hain: ek hai the newly-wed-horny-husbands who don’t want to let go of their wives even for an instant aur doosra hai the i-am-soooo-much-in-love boyfriends who wish to spend every second with his girl before bidding adieu for the day. These are the men/boys who get the women/girls into an overcrowded compartment full of men and cause misery and suffering to one and all. As if being single and get crushed by other single men at the end of a long day wasn’t good enough.

After the couple gets into the train, the guy surveys the scene around them. In each and every one of us he sees a Shakti Kapoor or Gulshan Grover, with open salivating mouths and lust in our eyes and bad thoughts in our head [thinking of Garnier Fructis :)]. He has this major feeling that he needs to protect his woman from the bad men who might attack her izzat. He comes up with a plan. He stations her next to the wall so that her rear is protected. He then puts his arms on her shoulders and uses his body as a shield, taking care of the front. The lady is asked to place her arms tightly next to her body. The protection sequence is complete.

This might have been romantic in any other setting. But in the local, it is frigging hilarious and downright ridiculous. Imagine an overcrowded train and this couple in a hugging stance and lady looking slightly embarrassed and the guy throwing menacing looks at whoever happens to look in their direction. Things get worse when it’s a boyfriend-girlfriend scenario. At least the married couple is silent for most of the journey. But not our i-got-a-girl-yippee! guy. This guy has to impress the girl and so he keeps on talking and narrates all the cool stuff that has happened in his amazing life. The lady keeps giggling at the correct moments, playing her role to perfection. All I wanted to do was sit in a corner and read my newspaper and fall asleep after some time. But life’s a bitch!

My major crib against these couples in the train is that they take up so much space. Four guys would comfortably stand in the place taken up by these two. Since there is a girl involved, all of us have to maintain our distance lest something unfortunate happens. Yours truly was subjected to this and it wasn’t a good experience. A kid, 16-17 years old max, gets into the train with her father. It must be her first day at a new school. As luck would have it, she was standing next to me. I had no intentions to get into any trouble and was maintaining a healthy distance. But the train shakes a lot and people keep pushing regularly. How I wish this was some fevicol ad. Everyone in their place! At some point in time, my elbow brushed against her back. She gives me one dirty look. I look away hoping that she wouldn’t yell and call for her dad. This happened a couple of times and she keeps giving that dirty look. I was completely pissed off. I put some fight and moved away from that place. Why couldn’t she travel in the ladies compartment, for heavens sake!! And the worst is yet to come. The lady wants to get down and the crowd splits up like the red sea. A safe passage and everyone ensures that no protruding part of their body touches the lady. You should travel in the local to realize how much painful it is to create so much space for one person.

The government reserved compartments for the ladies. Please use them. Don’t come and stand next to me and pain the shit out of me.

Perhaps they should add more compartments: Couples Only! One more place where I cannot enter added to the list.